How I Use Pain to Transform my Life

In “The Frog King”, a young princess loses her golden ball in a well. A clever frog dives in and returns the ball, but requests the princess’ love and companionship in return. Naively, the princess promises everything the frog wants, but runs back to her castle as soon as she gets a hold of her golden ball. The next day, the frog knocks at the castle door, requesting the princess to carry through on her promise:

So she picked up the frog with her finger and thumb, carried him upstairs and put him in a corner, and when she had lain down to sleep, he came creeping up, saying: “I am tired and want sleep as much as you; take me up, or I will tell your father.” Then she felt beside herself with rage, and picking him up, she threw him with all her strength against the wall, crying: “Now will you be quiet, you horrid frog!” But as he fell, he ceased to be a frog, and became all at once a prince with beautiful kind eyes.

 

— Excerpt from The Frog King

This blogpost is not nice. Reading it might feel uncomfortable, like the princess was feeling as she took the frog to her chamber. But bear with me as good stories never end as expected. Let us start with a journal entry I wrote here in El Transito, Nicaragua:

I am fucking frustrated. I have pain in my achilles tendon, my tailbone hurts on every move and my big toe joint has not gotten better for weeks now. As if that wouldn’t be enough, my digestion is, once again, fucked up. I feel drained, weak, out of energy and the frustration about being in this state for so long stirs within my body like a fire. I want to cry.

— Excerpt from my journal, El Transito 17. August 2016

I find myself in situations like that every other week. While I have been blessed with good health all my life, my body started to “fuck up” three years ago. Health and pain have become a main topic in my life. Let me give a short overview:

For the last few years, I have been far away from doing any strong physical activites like snowboarding, team sports, running and even swimming. About one out of three months I have not been able to engage in any kind of sport, sometimes having a hard time taking the stairs. Most recently, I had to stop surfing and playing the guitar due to an inflamed shoulder. I don’t know why my body suddenly started to fuck up in so many ways. There are 1000 potential reasons and probably 1000*1000 solutions promising help. Here is what I have already tried:

The princess in “The Frog King” gave a silly promise to share her life with the frog, if he fetched her golden ball from the well. She then miserably finds herself struggling with an unlucky fate. Likewise, I am often struggling with my fate, searching for the promise I gave that started this chain of health problems. I haven’t found it. But in all these struggles, I am finding:

I find acceptance of what is

Yes, pain is physically and emotionally draining. But often the worst part of being in pain is the way I handle it in my mind. I focus on the pain, think about all the dancing, surfing and other opportunities I miss and when it gets really bad, I start to feel self-pity and try to make my friends feel bad for me. Eckhard Tolle inspired me in his book The Power of Now: Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation may be full of problems – most life situations are – but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now? 

Most of my problems are worries about what I am not able to do and about the future. These thoughts are draining me much more than the actual pain. The pain, in the very moment, is often bearable. Learning this helps me to accept the difficult situations as they are and not fight them. If it works, my health issues dramatically lose their power and sometimes become banalities. During the last three weeks, I haven’t been surfing or playing guitar because of an inflamed shoulder. I simply accepted it and focused on the things I can do. I had three really good weeks.

I find my vulnerable and humble side

I am often a winner person. Things I do turn out great and I feel truly blessed in many ways. If I am too successful though, I am tempted to become over-confident, too full of myself or too self focused.

My health issues are repeatedly destroying my ambitions. I cannot practice dancing as much as I would like to. I also can not really invest in and build on dancing, as I can not trust to still be able to dance in a couple of years. I had to let go of the dream of surfing here in Nicaragua because of my shoulder. I can not keep my body in shape as I would like it to do. Pain connects me with the truth that I am vulnerable and weak. And I am learning to be at peace with it. Instead of constantly achieving, I learn to appreciate and enjoy everything I can still do. Surprisingly, I am more relaxed and have more fun as I just enjoy rather than achieve – even if I am more restricted. In addition, I find that people can more easily and honestly connect with the humble rather than the over-confident version of myself.

I find new passions

In 2013 I had to cancel a kitesurf holiday because of the inflamed knee and instead started west coast swing dancing. Dancing has been a good lesson itself (as I wrote last week) and has become one of the greatest passions in my life. Dancing and health issues stimulate a fascination for human anatomy, body awareness and methods like the alexander technique and yoga. The longer I’m struggling with my health, the more I love and appreciate to use and move my body.

And then I find myself forced to focus on less physical activities and find passions outside movement. Playing guitar is one example and so is writing this blog.

I find self love

Have you ever noticed that we are only able to really feel certain body parts when they are in pain? All the exercises and hours of working on my health connect me more with my body. It is weird, but with my body not functioning well, I start to find a deep love and gratitude for having and being it. My perspective changes too. Instead of me living in my body, I now see my body as “me”. There is no difference between “me” and “my body”.

I became deeply grateful for the magical way every single joint, muscle or nerve works and allows me to live. And I feel incredible blessed with my body and thus being human, allowing me to experience such a rich life. Finding this love towards my body results in deeper self love, which again results in something like “inner peace” and confidence in myself and life.

Pain is for me what the frog was to the princess. In the first English translation by Edgar Taylor, the frog is not thrown to the wall, but invited to the princess’ bed and therefore transformed. More modern versions then introduced the famous kiss. In my life, I find all versions to be true. I find myself by allowing the anger against my pain (throwing the frog against the wall). I find peace through accepting the pain (allowing the frog to sleep in the bed) and I find a deep feeling of connectedness and depth through embracing and loving my problematic body (kissing the frog).

I would love to end this challenge of handling Pain. It is hard, despite all I have learned. But still, as I am writing this, I find myself thinking that I am happier, more fulfilled, content and grateful than three years ago.

Header image: Arthur Rackham’s illustration of “Frog Prince”. Thank you Dad for sharing the story with me.